Category Archives: Idle Thoughts

Marga’s HUMPday News: Whip Your Hair

Gay Pets and Big Discount

"Venus" Marga's High School Sweetheart

Hello Readers,
I have missed you so much. I’ve been spending time on my new website I started a blog there but I have a dilemma since that is my professional website and I’m not sure how
outspoken I ought to be. In this entry you get a deal for my new show and some bitching about celebrities.
“Marga Gomez is Proud & Bothered” my GLAAD award winning smash hit comedy moves to the fab New Conservatory Theater Center in San Francisco May 13th through June 26th
ACT NOW to get $15 tickets. Offer ends Wednesday May 12th. This offer is available for the following performances only: May 13-30, 2010.
Discount tickets are available by calling Box Office at (415) 861-8972 Tuesday from noon through 3pm and Wed from 1:30 till 7:00pm.
A limited number of seats per show performance are available at this VERY LOW price. I want my friends and their friends to get first crack . Spread the word!

“Marga Gomez is Proud & Bothered” is a tightly written comedy, an adults only send-up of New Jersey Pride and bored housewives. It received a GLAAD award in 2004 and was named by New York Magazine as one of the shows in the “Top 5 Gay Theater”

I’m pissed off about gay people becoming pets of straight celebrities. On Celebrity Apprentice the “celebrities” were playing for their charity, like autism, colon cancer. Cyndi Lauper’s charity was gay people AKA “True Colors Foundation”- a good cause if the overhead of putting on celebrity concerts isn’t excessive and most of the money gets to the gay kids- TBD. Anyway she was voted off last night – when it should have been Holly Whatshername. But Cyndi was a pain in the ass in many episodes and nobody could deal with her temperment. Then Cyndi started fuming about how “nobody cares about the gays.” Actually gay people care about gays. Straight allies are awesome but it gets a little patronizing when Kathy Griffin for example asks “where are my gays.” Sounds like Kathy wants to walk us on a leash.
I’m still your fan Cyndi. Thanks for raising money that will eventuallty help gay homeless kids. That’s awesome. But being voted off Celebrity Apprentice was not a hate crime. It was just a tv game show and you lost .Take it like a straight woman. ‘The gays”should not be used as a human shield. And to the rest of you celebrities looking for the gay following- you can work alongside me but you can’t get on top.

Visit my new website

Party of One

Marga and O'DJ party promoting in 2006

It’s 10 days till “Marga’s Laugh Party” I’ma blogging every day till Wed. Feb 10th as a way of sharing my panic with you.  I’m getting nervous and trying to pretend that somebody else is in charge. I’ve booked this party at a small but important club in San Francisco and if it’s not a success I will be set out on a barge and drift away in disgrace. I’ve got lots of talented people to present in one night, but there’s got to be time for DJ Chelsea Starr to do her thing and I have to appear laid back and mingle. It’s a party.

I have thrown one professional party before with my friend DJ O’DJ in 2006 on Valentine’s day. It was a success, but not financially we split $37 after our expenses. We were dumb and charged almost nothing to get in. It was a mixer for single gay guys and lesbians.We called it Marga’s Mixer. It was really cute. DJ O’DJ set up email boxes for all our guests so they could contact each other after that night and we gave our guests fancy name tags with handles like Shorty, Brooklyn, Lady Luck. We filled the club, the lighting was sexy, the music was just right and it was an even mix of men and women. But the lesbians didn’t mingle as easily with each other and a few of them kept tagging along behind me I remember one of them whining “How am I supposed to meet somebody” And then there where the lesbians who arrived 30 minutes before the doors opened and demanded to be let in because they were tired.  I realized then that I don’t have the personality to help lesbians mate. Guys are easier. They  go for it. No questions and fashionably late. But many people of both sexes made dates that night and two couples that I know of fell in love.  I was in one of the couples. I had sworn off ladies in 2006 for almost 2 months. But that night I got into some free whisky in the dressing room and  forgot my vows of celibacy. I hooked up with a lovely person that I am completely in love with four years later and luckily she loves me back.That’s all for now. Sorry to end on love, wish I could go darker and edgier but it’s bed time. This morning at 8 am some fucker was jackhammering out my window busting up a 3 foot square of the street that is now paved over. And he’ll probably be back at it tomorrow. If I had a gun I might have shot him. I come from a family of late sleepers. We’re violent in the morning.

Not Too Swift Taylor

I’m still kicking folks. I’ve been preparing material for a Christmas show in NYC on Saturday Dec 19. and for the Marga Gomez New Year’s Eve Spectacular in San Francisco

But yesterday after a radio interview in San francisco I took these pictures on public transit. Let this be a lesson to never get lost in the music. I wish I had a video camera because this guy was so-mazing and oblivious. He was blasting Taylor Swift on his head phones. Yes he was.

He’s doesn’t have a seizure. He’s into his Ipod.
“She wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain
I wear sneakers…..” Laughing on a park bench
Thinking to myself
Hey, isn’t this easy?Hey what you doing
With a girl like that
“I’m listening to the kind of music
She doesn’t like
She’ll never know your story
Like I do”

Rocky Road

I spaced out and missed a deadline to apply for a NACA conference that I stood a good chance of getting. This might have made me financially solvent next year with all the college gigs you can get by auditioning. I’ve been sitting with this news for two hours. It feels tight in my heart. But I know I’ll be fine. I have great things ahead and I’ll find another way to play colleges next year. I need an intern.

I bought a big hunk of  milk chocolate rocky road and I’m self medicating with it. Tonight I’ll be at the Rrazz Room catching up with by good friend Rene’ over dinner before we  watch Dick Gregory interviewed by Mort Sahl . At least I found a good day to realize my huge blunder. I need to laugh babies. Well that’s it kids, my downer blog.  Forget this one and read yesterday’s it’s super upbeat.

My Browser

I started getting my brows waxed late in life. I’d like to quit early. It hurts. I go to Patty every month. She’s a fast waxer and to keep me from hyperventilating she asks me questions about my career as she lays the hot stuff on my head. Then I answer her and wince as she yanks. Sometimes she leans on me to really get in there with my brows. By lean I mean she plants her crotch firmly on my knee which temporarily relieves my anxiety. I used to go to Nadine. She got the worst of me. I’d show up for Nadine stressed out and skittish like I was about to see the dentist.images-1

I’m way overdue at the dentist. Keep losing my nerve. I’m afraid of everything in that office. I’m afraid when the dentist lectures me  about my teeth. I’ve asked her not to tell me what’s happening in my mouth. Just give me gas, valium and novacaine and do what you want in there Doc. I even get gas for teeth cleaning. And I always bring music to listen to so I can’t hear my own screams.

I am a nitrous oxide pig. Crank up the laughing gas.  It can make a miserable experience fun until my dentist yells at me to keep my mouth open and breathe through my nose. Geez I can’t remember the last time I went to my dentist but I’m pretty sure that I listened to music on my discman. And I’ve had an Ipod for… That is not good.  I also have a vague almost repressed memory of getting kind of romantic on the laughing gas and rubbing her leg. My dentist looks like Mary Tyler Moore and always wears skirts under her lab coat. But that’s not why I haven’t been back.

I can’t stand her dental assistant. She’s an annoying motor mouth who thinks that an off duty comic spitting out blood is there to make her laugh. Worst of all she wants to get her lumpy son into show business and sees me as their ticket to Hollywood.

When I lived in Hollywood I went to the same dentist who worked on Stevie Wonder. She said Stevie flew her to gigs and he flossed regularly. I wish I could go to her again or somebody.  I better find another dentist soon. I need teeth to go with my brows.

Goodnight Walter

Walter Cronkite was the last newscaster with a moustache.

Pound Cake Girl

Pound Cake Girl

When I was a baby I could stay up until the 11 o’clock news. That’s when my mom or the babysitter would say “Walter Cronkite” and I would get in my pjs, have some pound cake and go to bed. Pound cake became so unpopular. Nobody wants to think about pounds when they eat cake. But my mom wanted me to have cake and ice cream at bedtime because in those days having a chubby kid made you look rich. Now I can stay up all night because I don’t have my Cronkite curfew.

Latino kids in NY stay up late. You’ll see our groggy babies with the headband bows, over the new tuft of dark hair in strollers at midnight. Later the babies will be but to bed nestled amongst the coats in the one dark room at the party. “Put your coat in there. Shh. Don’t wake the baby!” That’s how we roll.

My former therapist advised me not to send out business emails at 3am because people frown on it. I don’t understand that kind of thinking. But I took her word for it. Now if there’s something important to email I’ll stay up till 6am to send it, giving the impression that I was up with the chickens. I’m leaving for gigs in London and Scotland in a week and enjoy these communications greatly because they are 8 hours ahead of me and I can call them at 2am my time for phone meetings.