Tag Archives: Edinburgh Fringe

F it.

DEAR READERS- I HAVE TO BLOG IN THE INTERNET CAFE. I KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF GRAMMAR ERRORS. SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. I HAVE TO RUN AND CAN”T FIX IT. F IT! ENJOY IF YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF IT. xm

I really like the Scots. I really really like them. Especially the plumbers. Who are at my flat almost every other day. Because we have a haunted shower it was the only thing I liked about the flat. A digital control you just press high medium or low for the amount of flow and then move the dial for the temperature. But after a week it began to turn itself on. At least something in our flat is getting turned on. And it would spew cold water like that. And the plumbers would come and fix it for a day. The last plumber yesterday called it a nightarrrrrr and pulled the box out and hacked off the cabinet under the kitchen sink for no good reason. My GF is hot and the best and I want no other but sometimes my sex imagination turns itself on. You know the handyman fantasy- and I’m totally gay- but it’s the elephant in the room or the plumber in the shower. Anyway I forgot about it and went about my business as he made panicky calls to other plumbers about this nightmarrr and he kept running out for valves and I forgot about him until we both turned the corner at the same time and were nose to nose.

It was awkward for both of us because he knows I know he knows I know that fantasy. And he said he’s be be taking the digital box away and another plumber would show up on Monday. So I’ve been taking whore baths that’s what my  gay guy housemate calls it.  And this is how I’ve been going on stage this weekend. I also dropped my gold lame jacket and ‘matching’ boots– I’m wearing my new balance sneakers and a t shirt.  I don’t have a dressing room now I don’t have a shower.  .Parts of me are dirty.And tomorrow I might eat out of a pan

I am finally fringe.

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Fish and Chips

I had fish and chips at 1 am last night then I watched two episodes of Ugly Betty on my lap top.
I have a thing for the fish and chips guy at Newington Fish and Chips. He was very nice to me when I left my flyers there and I decided should I ever succumb to fried food I’d go to him. He put brown sauce on my chips and malt vinegar. But if you want a ketchup or mayo packet there it’s an extra 25 p for each (approximately 47 cents)

Me and 80 women comics in Edinburgh. You can find me on top in the gold

Me and 80 women comics in Edinburgh. You can find me on top in the gold

I don’t know if this touring abroad thing is for me after all.  I like the cobblestones but they ruin my shoes. I don’t mind grey skies every day. Meeting people is nice. They’re so hospitable but it’s really hard to understand what they’re saying. And beer is fattening. Now that Obama is president there’s no reasaon to leave the US really. And it’s too late to tell the crowd pleasing George Bush jokes. I still am not able to get across the street without almost getting flattened by one of those demonic speeding double decker buses that look exactly the same in the front as they do in the back so I don’t know if they are coming or going like a two headed monster. I did shell out about $30 bucks for a weekly Lothian bus pass. Here they take your picture for the pass- like a drivers license. And if you don’t like the photo they retake it. I love my bus pass. Under my picture there’s my name and in big block letters ADULT. I showed it to Ben Lerman and he thought my picture looked like a cross between Ally Sheedy and Bob Saget. He should know he saw Ally Sheedy in the flesh. I’m going to try and see his show tonight.
The food is bad here and they don’t give you enough (except for fish and chips) but somehow I’m puffing out. And everything is expensive. But you can buy half cans of canada dry ginger ale at Tesco supermarket for 39 pence. That’s only about 75 cents. I’m becoming an expert converter of pounds to dollars. Just double the pounds and subtract a nickle. Walking to my gig every night- (Why didn’t I ask for a night off in my deal -one of my mistakes – which I am not at liberty to elaborate on) I pass the KFC. They are hiring. I think about applying for a job. I can print out flyers of me in my KFC uniform and make it a Fringe Venue.
Two more reviewers came to the show last night from Scotsgay and something else. I think I was pretty awesome last night but something went wrong with my hair during the show. When I got off stage and went to the disabled bathroom in the hall which I pretend is my dressing room I saw in the dim light -hair sticking out on both sides of my head like an antennae. Even if I don’t get the KFC job I am going to start wearing a hairnet.

BOLD FACE NAMES

Hagaris the Handsome was in the house last night . I met him in the afternoon at a bar at which my friend Sian Hutchinson was performing her funny solo show. I went to there with Brooklyn Ukelele man Ben Lerman and his mates. Ben and I went to the bar to get some coffee and this Viking impersonator cat Hagaris, was having a big glass of scotch and telling no one in particular about an american woman’s show he had seen.

So I took that as an opening to give him my flyer.
I tried to pretend I wasn’t Marga Gomez just her flyer girl but you can’t pull the angora over Hag’s eyes and then he asked if he could take a picture I said -really?- Then he leaned in got close to my mouth as I squirmed away. And he froze there and then I stared at him freezing there. No camera by the way. It was very lizard like the whole thing. He was in my front row that night. I wasn’t surprised.Well he bought a ticket so he tended to talk to me now and then during the show. Unfortunately his story was a sad one. He lives in Glasgow. He wants to go back with his ex wife. They got married in toronto and more stuff I didn’t want to hear.. That almost sucked all the funny out of the room but the audience and I worked together as a team to get the comedy back. Even the tech person told me it was the best show so far.

I like to say hi to everybody after shows and most people are great and respectful but there are a few grabby people here who may ruin this practice. In the lobby  Hagaris put his hat on my head- then took it back. I don’t like to have old man hats placed on my head. One woman ran her hand along my face. I literally flinched. But I thought to myself well maybe it’s the scottish culture then she starts talking and she’s like from OHIO!!  Not cool.  Not as bad as last weekend at a club when another woman grabbed my face with one hand and then poked her finger in the gap between my teeth with the other. WTF? I’ll be bobbing in weaving out of innapropriate touching for the next 2 weeks here in Edinburgh.

Last night I saw a shooting star on the way back to my flat about 1am. Part of the metor shower I think. Thanks to the universe for that.

Fringed

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My bedding issued at our cell block/student housing

King Arthur's Seat: I can see it on the way to my gig

King Arthur's Seat: I can see it on the way to my gig

Week one of the Edinburgh Fringe was spent searching for internet, trying to figure out sodium content on european labels, Learning to live with roommates; two gay solo performers and a 75 year old comedienne stripper who has become the toast of Edinburgh and wrote her name on her toilet paper so we don’t use it. I understand, that’s how I feel about my ambien and coffee filters. There is one more roommate who’s over 60 and she’s just starting out in comedy. So I’m the young chick. But we never see the two senior ladies who stay out till 3 am every night.

the hip hop bagpipe shop

the hip hop bagpipe shop

Oh yes I also opened my show at the Zoo Southside on Nicolson st and got 4 stars from “The List” an important publication in these parts. They called me “Absurdly Brilliant.” They also said my Gold Lame jacket and matching boots were ridiculous. But that is so not true- my boots don’t match the jacket at all.

Edinburgh is a lose money deal usually and I’m in the usually category. Last time I played this festival was 1994. I had a rich producer, full court press, my own one bedroom flat and spending money. Now I’m broke as a joke having to put up my own posters. My producer this time is a clown. At first I was in denial. I thought his act was juggling and magic. When anybody asked me about my clown producer I snapped “Where’s his fucking red nose then?”But at his show last night he made balloon animals. And he is never without his little red brimmed pork pie hat. Pretty sure my producer is a clown. They don’t always have red noses.

In the queue to pitch their shows to the Edinburgh press.

In the queue to pitch their shows to the Edinburgh press.

I went to a very hip party for lesbians and friends last week called Velvet. They invited me to perform a few minutes and afterwards I gave out flyers, accepted a beer, made some new friends and invited myself over to their house for Sunday Roast. As I left the club I said to some other girls- I’ll see you here next Saturday but one lass sadly told me “This party is only once a year” (you imagine the scottish brogue)

So that leaves CC Blooms for semi lesbian night life. It’s got a reputation as grim -like one of those dives we come out in to make sure we’re serious about being gay. Anyone can come out in a pretty bar.I tried handing flyers outside of this place but gave up after a table of dykes (and two pit bulls) thought that I was performing at an actual zoo.

Scotty tries on my Tartan at the Velvet paty

Scotty tries on my Tartan at the Velvet paty

My Dirty Blog

HELLO MY DARLINGS! TODAY’S BLOG IS A VIDEO. CLICK IT ON AND GIVE IT A MINUTE TO LOAD FOR BEST VIEWING.

(I’ll keep blogging  from the UK every few days so come back. Cheers!)

After watching this I’m going to find some camera lens cleaner : )

Kindness

I found a pocket of civilization

I found a pocket of civilization

I was planning to do a V-Log tonight. Bought a cheap little webcam that gave me that witness protection pixillated look. But it was not be. I was excited to just ramble and not worry about my grammar or using you’re instead of your. People lord it over you when you make that mistake. Like you stepped on a puppy’s foot. I could speak in fragments and wouldn’t have to worry about punctuation. I could blog and not have to use any of my education. Woulda been nice. BUT WordPress wouldn’t let me.

My life and apt. are in pre travel chaos. I just went downtown to buy some serious rain boots for Scotland. Girlfriend told me the brand to get is “Hunters.”  Went to Macy’s which is such an American store. No salespeople anywhere. Customers running amok. I found one employee by the register who said they don’t carry rainboots at this time of year. I should be able to buy rainboots and bathing suits whenever I want. That’s how I was raised. Nordstroms however is a place where you get treated right. Katie said they didn’t keep them on the floor but she could go find me a pair- what size and color?

These boots are official. They come mucked up and they don’t make half sizes. The box has two stamps from Edinburgh Scotland where they are made. That’s where I’m spending August. Blimey! How red is that flag that the most durable rainboots in the world are made where I’m going. I’m heading towards rain. I just packed my last zicam swabs. I’m getting a scratchy throat thinking about it. Really I’m thrilled to go to the UK in any weather.

I have been hitting up all my friends who know people in London and Scotland to spread the word and I have received lots of help and well wishes. (I’ll be playing The Royal Vauxhall Tavern in London 7/29 and 7/31  Here’s this link with all the show and ticket info http://bit.ly/Wvpas After London I play Edinburgh at The Zoo southside. )The comments I’m getting in the blog have been great. Today I was late for everything so I used my Xootr (which is like a Razor for grown ups) It’s like a skateboard for nerds. So I got my hair trimmed from Deena at Glamarama. She also runs her own radio program on Pirate Cat Radio. She was especially entertaing today.

Poc Chuc Mayan Restaurant

Poc Chuc Mayan Restaurant

Next order of biz was an electronics purchase at Best Buy as I turned down a random and desolate street I found the tanatalizing “Poc Chuc” Mayan restaurant . I had to eat before dealing with Best Buy. I ordered delicate and tasty “pulled turkey” taco and vegie empanada. Tortillas homemade. Everything stylish and down home at the same time. And what made this my new favorite restaurant of all time was the homemade blistering hot sauce that came with my little plate. The place was pretty full for lunch. The crowd was pretty mixed but there were quite a few intellectual Latinos there. That’s a good sign. I had an horchata which isn’t more than milk with cinammon in most places. Here they brought it to you in a stein and it tasted like – what breast milk must taste like to a baby. That’s how I felt drinking that horchata. One of the waitresses was mean at first but when she saw my horchata face she cut me some slack. The bill came to $8.64. Crazy no? I left a good tip. Trust me.

Today I noticed how powerful kindness i from my friends  of course but when it came from strangers- it blows the mind. Not everyone was kind today. But I was great. I was kind to everyone- Oh I did want to yell at an old lady but I didn’t. Yay for me.  I picked up my last organic peaches before I leave for the UK from the infamous Rainbow grocery. Ran into an artist friend Seinberg who hooked me up with the produce guy who sliced up fruit for me to try. Then another peach customer joined us. She didn’t want to engage with me. I kept saying things like “Yeah I’m going away so these will be the last peachesI’m getting” She didn’t ask me where I was going. She was just touching all the peaches looking for ripe ones. Then she said “This is the best time of year for them. This is heaven” But really if it was heaven she and I would have hugged. We would have been each other peaches. You’re probably thinking hey Marga what about the nectarines? I consider nectarines to be smooth peaches. And they were sweet too.

But here was the highlight of a day with many of them like

  • petting this pretty eyed beagle outside of Peet’s coffee for fifteen minutes. It had eyes like my departed Jack Russel.
  • Then there was the foamy mouth man at the travel store who helped me decide on what street maps of London would be the best. We both were into lamination.
  • A guy on the street who asked me if I had a back brake on my scooter. When I told him I used my foot. He said i should get some skater shoes. Does Hunter make those I wondered?
  • And the guy named Randy who walked of fthe bus with me  noticed my Nordstroms bag and gave me his card to get some cosmetics at his shop.

But the biggest moment for my heart  was after the peaches–I was pushing and rolling my scooter under the freeway. Peaches in my backpack. A sack of Best Buy gadgetry hanging from my handlebar. And a homeless looking guy is riding his bike in the other direction. There was a sense of recognition. Hey we both have wheels and bags on the side walk on foggy day. It could be awkward and I look away or I be a human being. That’s what he did. We passed each other on our contraptions and gave each other a dignified nod. And the world felt warm.

Lunch was so good I started eating it before I could take the picture

Lunch was so good I started eating it before I could take the picture

Working it Out in San Francisco

Hello! If you have any friends in London and Scotland here is where I’ll be. The Royal Vauxhall Tavern July 29(9pm) and 31(6:30pm) and then Edinburgh August 6 through August 31 everynight at 9 at the Zoo Southside.

I live a charmed life and make more $$ than a person should earn if they aren’t sitting at a sewing machine, standing on their feet for eight hours,teaching kids, waiting tables,or digging a ditch. As Sarah Palin said on her twitter ‘I have gratefullness for that.’ (The correct word is gratitude Sarah.) Some nights I get a big check. But when I’m home in San Francisco on a Monday or Tuesday I might play for free or like tonight -for just enough cash to buy a six pack of fake beer, a six pack of lo-cal vanilla ice cream sandwiches, a bottle of fancy orange juice, and a four pack of extra soft Charmin and a cab ride home. Buying groceries with the cash from these gigs is a bonus. We really just do these gigs for stage time.We try the new material or polish the same stuff we’ve been doing. And we encourage and are encouraged by the other comics.

The last two nights Continue reading