Tag Archives: Comedy

See something. Say something. Then shut your pie hole.

I’m steamed. It’s 2 am in Mexico. I just did tequila shots with Chef Josie and Michelle Balan and danced on the beach to Sylvester’s “Mighty Real” on a warm night after a fun gig but thinking back to earlier events tonight makes me want to slap a ignorant bitch and her partner.  Here’s how it went down. After my show I was to do a ‘meet and greet’ with the audience and sell my merchandise. But I haven’t made any cds lately so I brought merchandise to give away, silly stuff, herbal tea bags and boxes of corn flakes that we get free at breakfast here in Club Med.  They look good with autographs.

Necessary boring logistics to feel my rage: I have been here in Ixtapa two nights so far- only two and it’s been great except for the two stupid brown-phobic she devil squares I endured tonight at the meet and greet.  I flew here from SF on a 6am flight.  When you fly at 6 am you head to the airport at 3am  so that’s one night without sleep. I have had to catch up on sleep during flights and what I do is listen to white noise on headphones and because I’m cold  I wear a hoodie up. And I wear sleep shades. Finally my hands get cold so I wear a pair of knit gloves on the plane. And I’m Latina with that brown skin that seals the deal for  white fuck vigilante from stupidville.

So tonight. I finish my show I report  to my ‘meet and greet table’ sign a bunch of tea bags, all goes well until these last two wackos show up with a question no comic ever wants to hear. “Are you looking for material?” They weren’t even looking at my tea and corn flakes. Ok fine. Tell me I say.  First they pepper me with questions as they smile proudly.”Did you fly here from LA? ” they ask. Yeah I say getting bored already- I changed planes in LA. Do you want an autograph or what I wonder? They press on “Where you sleepy and did you sit in the aisle. Did you wear gloves? We sat two rows behind you. We thought you were a terrorist.” I managed to keep my meet and greet smile on my face through all this but then they really pushed it. “We reported you. We told the flight attendant ‘keep an eye on her'” This, after a show where I spent ten minutes on racial profiling. They claimed this act of racial profiling to me without any shame. WTF did they want from me, not an autograph it seemed.

“We saw you go into your suitcase and get something.” she said” I saw the gloves. And I thought about the undewear bomber so….” She giggled. “And then we saw you on stage tonight and I asked my partner. Is that her? Hee Hee. But we did, we told the flight attendant.” Word for word my friends.

What twisted her granny panties on the plane was- once we reached cruising altitude  and we were allowed to get up- I got my gloves out of my overhead bag, put my sleeping gear on and slept for 3 hours till we landed in Mexico. And she sat there two rows behind me on her screwed up sphincter pushing her call button like Gladys Kravitz. ( a reference to Bewitched- only old people get that one)

I sleep on planes and that’s how I do it. She and her partner may not be the first white folks to  think I’m suspicous and accuse me of shit. Well who knows how many times it’s been done to me on flights and to other travellers who look “foreign. ” But that the two of these ‘ladies’ had the audacity to approach me about this after my performance, when everything should be lovely, and not in a confessional tone, not as an apology, but as a proclamation of their clueless nasty narrow minded glee – makes me reconsider “meet and greets.” And this makes me sadly acknowledge not everybody lesbian is my friend. Like these two who judged me on my skin color and “napping garb” on a plane. I have shit in common with them.  I hope they find this blog someday and know how I fucking hated being cordial with them. I wanted to pelt them with my corn flakes boxes. I only held back because I don’t fight at my gigs. But if you two finger pointing finger bangers ever read this I want you to know- that you were terrorists of  my night. You like judging people by appearance – you look like apple head dolls. That’s not a judgement but you look like apple head dolls. And when I told you tonight that your story was “kinda weird” what I meant was both of you FUCK OFF!

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I’m throwing a party. Paxil for everyone!!

All About New Year’s Eve

Here’s a chat I had with Tom Kelly published in The SF Bay Times on December 24th, 2009. Hope you can all come to my NYE show if you’re in town. It’s always a good time.For Tickets go to http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/86090

What better way to ring in the New Year than with laughter? And there aren’t many people on the planet who are wittier than SF’s favorite funny lady Marga Gomez. Named “Best Comedian 2009” in the SF Bay Guardian readers poll, she has appeared on stage, film and television. For a great time… go see Marga at The Marga Gomez New Year’s Eve Spectacular.

(Bay Times) I hear you have a love affair with the City of San Francisco. Care to comment?

(Marga Gomez) I wouldn’t really call it a love affair. I have more of a sexual, torrid crazy apache dance with San Francisco. It’s like that movie Nine and a Half Weeks, and I’m Micky Rourke and San Francisco is Kim Bassinger. I’ve tried leaving San Francisco many times for other cities like New York and LA, but I always come back. Like I always say, “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Movie references aside, yes, I love San Francisco. It felt like home from the moment I landed on Castro Street as a 19-year-old baby dyke from Manhattan. Everyone was creative here, even the postal workers. I got involved with queer comedy at the Valencia Rose in 1984, and that was it. I found my calling. I wanted to be a famous lesbian comic, so I could meet women.

This is your 6th annual New Year’s event with Theatre Rhinoceros. Why Rhino?

New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday of the year ever since I was a kid. My parents were performers, and they would come back from their NYE shows with party hats and noisemakers and party favors for me. I dreamed about being a NYE performer, the one at the center of the celebration. It’s always cool to say you have a New Year’s gig when you are a performer. For six years The Rhino has hired me for what is truly a dream NYE gig. I get to perform at The Victoria Theatre, a beautiful former burlesque house, for 500 or more people who are in high spirits but not drunk that I can tell.

I began working with Rhino because I was impressed by their history as the longest running queer theater in America. They have produced three of my shows in the last ten years and have been there for me. I want them to thrive, and these New Year’s Spectaculars help that along. Plus, they have a very sexy audience at these shows, and you know we include NYE countdowns at random just to see our audience kiss.

How will this year’s Spectacular differ from previous ones?

This year will be more spectacular. I will do a completely different hour of comedy than I did last year. But Sarah Palin will still be trashed. Before I take the stage, we will feature not one opening act, but three of the most exciting new gay comics on the scene: local rising sensations Natasha Muse and David Hawkins and – flying in all the way from New York City – ukulele comic Ben Lerman. I can’t wait to hear the audience go nuts for these kids. By popular demand DJ O’DJ will be back spinning live before both shows.

Will there by nudity?

Nudity? Ben Lerman and I are partially nude in some of our publicity shots. If anybody gets naked at the show, I hope it’s our emcee John Fisher, the Artistic Director of Theatre Rhino. I bet he has a nice butt.

Why do you think we should start 2010 laughing?

Because if you start out crying, you’ll ruin your mascara. And 2009 was just ridiculous.

Marga’s photos by Kent Taylor. The Marga Gomez New Year’s Eve Spectacular plays Dec. 31 (Thurs 7pm and 9pm) at the Victoria Theatre, 2961 16th Street, San Francisco. For tickets call (800) 838-3006 or at brownpapertickets.com. More info at therhino.org.

Working it Out in San Francisco

Hello! If you have any friends in London and Scotland here is where I’ll be. The Royal Vauxhall Tavern July 29(9pm) and 31(6:30pm) and then Edinburgh August 6 through August 31 everynight at 9 at the Zoo Southside.

I live a charmed life and make more $$ than a person should earn if they aren’t sitting at a sewing machine, standing on their feet for eight hours,teaching kids, waiting tables,or digging a ditch. As Sarah Palin said on her twitter ‘I have gratefullness for that.’ (The correct word is gratitude Sarah.) Some nights I get a big check. But when I’m home in San Francisco on a Monday or Tuesday I might play for free or like tonight -for just enough cash to buy a six pack of fake beer, a six pack of lo-cal vanilla ice cream sandwiches, a bottle of fancy orange juice, and a four pack of extra soft Charmin and a cab ride home. Buying groceries with the cash from these gigs is a bonus. We really just do these gigs for stage time.We try the new material or polish the same stuff we’ve been doing. And we encourage and are encouraged by the other comics.

The last two nights Continue reading