Category Archives: Road Warrior

F it.

DEAR READERS- I HAVE TO BLOG IN THE INTERNET CAFE. I KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF GRAMMAR ERRORS. SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. I HAVE TO RUN AND CAN”T FIX IT. F IT! ENJOY IF YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF IT. xm

I really like the Scots. I really really like them. Especially the plumbers. Who are at my flat almost every other day. Because we have a haunted shower it was the only thing I liked about the flat. A digital control you just press high medium or low for the amount of flow and then move the dial for the temperature. But after a week it began to turn itself on. At least something in our flat is getting turned on. And it would spew cold water like that. And the plumbers would come and fix it for a day. The last plumber yesterday called it a nightarrrrrr and pulled the box out and hacked off the cabinet under the kitchen sink for no good reason. My GF is hot and the best and I want no other but sometimes my sex imagination turns itself on. You know the handyman fantasy- and I’m totally gay- but it’s the elephant in the room or the plumber in the shower. Anyway I forgot about it and went about my business as he made panicky calls to other plumbers about this nightmarrr and he kept running out for valves and I forgot about him until we both turned the corner at the same time and were nose to nose.

It was awkward for both of us because he knows I know he knows I know that fantasy. And he said he’s be be taking the digital box away and another plumber would show up on Monday. So I’ve been taking whore baths that’s what my  gay guy housemate calls it.  And this is how I’ve been going on stage this weekend. I also dropped my gold lame jacket and ‘matching’ boots– I’m wearing my new balance sneakers and a t shirt.  I don’t have a dressing room now I don’t have a shower.  .Parts of me are dirty.And tomorrow I might eat out of a pan

I am finally fringe.

Advertisements

Fish and Chips

I had fish and chips at 1 am last night then I watched two episodes of Ugly Betty on my lap top.
I have a thing for the fish and chips guy at Newington Fish and Chips. He was very nice to me when I left my flyers there and I decided should I ever succumb to fried food I’d go to him. He put brown sauce on my chips and malt vinegar. But if you want a ketchup or mayo packet there it’s an extra 25 p for each (approximately 47 cents)

Me and 80 women comics in Edinburgh. You can find me on top in the gold

Me and 80 women comics in Edinburgh. You can find me on top in the gold

I don’t know if this touring abroad thing is for me after all.  I like the cobblestones but they ruin my shoes. I don’t mind grey skies every day. Meeting people is nice. They’re so hospitable but it’s really hard to understand what they’re saying. And beer is fattening. Now that Obama is president there’s no reasaon to leave the US really. And it’s too late to tell the crowd pleasing George Bush jokes. I still am not able to get across the street without almost getting flattened by one of those demonic speeding double decker buses that look exactly the same in the front as they do in the back so I don’t know if they are coming or going like a two headed monster. I did shell out about $30 bucks for a weekly Lothian bus pass. Here they take your picture for the pass- like a drivers license. And if you don’t like the photo they retake it. I love my bus pass. Under my picture there’s my name and in big block letters ADULT. I showed it to Ben Lerman and he thought my picture looked like a cross between Ally Sheedy and Bob Saget. He should know he saw Ally Sheedy in the flesh. I’m going to try and see his show tonight.
The food is bad here and they don’t give you enough (except for fish and chips) but somehow I’m puffing out. And everything is expensive. But you can buy half cans of canada dry ginger ale at Tesco supermarket for 39 pence. That’s only about 75 cents. I’m becoming an expert converter of pounds to dollars. Just double the pounds and subtract a nickle. Walking to my gig every night- (Why didn’t I ask for a night off in my deal -one of my mistakes – which I am not at liberty to elaborate on) I pass the KFC. They are hiring. I think about applying for a job. I can print out flyers of me in my KFC uniform and make it a Fringe Venue.
Two more reviewers came to the show last night from Scotsgay and something else. I think I was pretty awesome last night but something went wrong with my hair during the show. When I got off stage and went to the disabled bathroom in the hall which I pretend is my dressing room I saw in the dim light -hair sticking out on both sides of my head like an antennae. Even if I don’t get the KFC job I am going to start wearing a hairnet.

BOLD FACE NAMES

Hagaris the Handsome was in the house last night . I met him in the afternoon at a bar at which my friend Sian Hutchinson was performing her funny solo show. I went to there with Brooklyn Ukelele man Ben Lerman and his mates. Ben and I went to the bar to get some coffee and this Viking impersonator cat Hagaris, was having a big glass of scotch and telling no one in particular about an american woman’s show he had seen.

So I took that as an opening to give him my flyer.
I tried to pretend I wasn’t Marga Gomez just her flyer girl but you can’t pull the angora over Hag’s eyes and then he asked if he could take a picture I said -really?- Then he leaned in got close to my mouth as I squirmed away. And he froze there and then I stared at him freezing there. No camera by the way. It was very lizard like the whole thing. He was in my front row that night. I wasn’t surprised.Well he bought a ticket so he tended to talk to me now and then during the show. Unfortunately his story was a sad one. He lives in Glasgow. He wants to go back with his ex wife. They got married in toronto and more stuff I didn’t want to hear.. That almost sucked all the funny out of the room but the audience and I worked together as a team to get the comedy back. Even the tech person told me it was the best show so far.

I like to say hi to everybody after shows and most people are great and respectful but there are a few grabby people here who may ruin this practice. In the lobby  Hagaris put his hat on my head- then took it back. I don’t like to have old man hats placed on my head. One woman ran her hand along my face. I literally flinched. But I thought to myself well maybe it’s the scottish culture then she starts talking and she’s like from OHIO!!  Not cool.  Not as bad as last weekend at a club when another woman grabbed my face with one hand and then poked her finger in the gap between my teeth with the other. WTF? I’ll be bobbing in weaving out of innapropriate touching for the next 2 weeks here in Edinburgh.

Last night I saw a shooting star on the way back to my flat about 1am. Part of the metor shower I think. Thanks to the universe for that.

Tally Ho

One week from today I will be on flight from CA to London where I spend a week sightseeing with GF and previewing my show All That Gomez at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. GF goes back home Aug 2 and I somehow get myself to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival where I do 25 shows in a row beginning Aug 6 at Zoo southside. In Edinburgh I will share an apt with four other whacky performers. It will be a reality show that VH-1 could only dream of.. I am trying not to let my hypochandria kick in but I just listened to a story on This American Life about bedbugs.Some travellers try to find the best clubs in foreign lands I will be researching the best hospitals and 24 hour pharmacies.

2 weeks 1 pair of pants

I’m overly excited about my new shoe horn, an amenity from the Ritz Carlton last month. Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to take it home. I sincerely thought the hotel provides these for us like soap. I always take the soaps. I know my career is healthy when I don’t have to buy soap all year. With a shoe horn I’m ballin like P-Diddy. BUT-what if this shoe horn wasn’t fresh and had been forced down a businessman’s wingtips prior to my arrival? Whatevs. I have 3 pairs of hight tops and this will save me minutes putting them on. MINUTES that I can devote to my servitude to the blogosphere. I signed on to some ‘blog everyday for a month campaign’, a big leap from my anemic quasi- weekly entries.

Still lots of catching up to do before I’m even put to the test of getting into issues outside of my navel. And I got lots of pictures to share. Beats reading. In these pictures, Continue reading