I started getting my brows waxed late in life. I’d like to quit early. It hurts. I go to Patty every month. She’s a fast waxer and to keep me from hyperventilating she asks me questions about my career as she lays the hot stuff on my head. Then I answer her and wince as she yanks. Sometimes she leans on me to really get in there with my brows. By lean I mean she plants her crotch firmly on my knee which temporarily relieves my anxiety. I used to go to Nadine. She got the worst of me. I’d show up for Nadine stressed out and skittish like I was about to see the dentist.
I’m way overdue at the dentist. Keep losing my nerve. I’m afraid of everything in that office. I’m afraid when the dentist lectures me about my teeth. I’ve asked her not to tell me what’s happening in my mouth. Just give me gas, valium and novacaine and do what you want in there Doc. I even get gas for teeth cleaning. And I always bring music to listen to so I can’t hear my own screams.
I am a nitrous oxide pig. Crank up the laughing gas. It can make a miserable experience fun until my dentist yells at me to keep my mouth open and breathe through my nose. Geez I can’t remember the last time I went to my dentist but I’m pretty sure that I listened to music on my discman. And I’ve had an Ipod for… That is not good. I also have a vague almost repressed memory of getting kind of romantic on the laughing gas and rubbing her leg. My dentist looks like Mary Tyler Moore and always wears skirts under her lab coat. But that’s not why I haven’t been back.
I can’t stand her dental assistant. She’s an annoying motor mouth who thinks that an off duty comic spitting out blood is there to make her laugh. Worst of all she wants to get her lumpy son into show business and sees me as their ticket to Hollywood.
When I lived in Hollywood I went to the same dentist who worked on Stevie Wonder. She said Stevie flew her to gigs and he flossed regularly. I wish I could go to her again or somebody. I better find another dentist soon. I need teeth to go with my brows.